In the Winter of 2023, my wife lost her life to suicide. What started as a relatively normal morning turned into a complete nightmare, literally the worst thing imaginable. Coping with a grief so deep has been so difficult. How have you all found ways to cope with something that feels so wrong, so heartbreaking and tragic? I am sure I will post more about this in a blog post, but wanted to use this as an introduction and invitation to comment, thank you.
I guess I try to stay grounded and remember the nature of this world. I have seen a dead cat for the past three days on my way home from work. You can clearly see part of his intestine. Thinking about how that cat felt and how brutal his death was, and then thinking about millions of stray cats dying in similar circumstances…it reminds me in what kind of world I live. Some days the pain is unbearable, but I focus on the fact that I can breathe and my body is intact. Who knows how long I will be able to have a functional life, how long I will remain intact. At least im not dying on a scorching pavement, my guts decorating it. People driving, passing me by, indifferent to my agony.
And so…I can wake up and fight another day. No matter how cold or broken my heart is, or how exhausted i am. Like some kind of golem, I will continue working until my body gives up and i finally crumble. This hypocritical society will witness my final moments, while some people comment how sad they are and how they wish they could have helped. Actually, i will be just like one of these cats.
I guess I find some kind of comfort knowing the truth and being completely realistic, living in the present. It helps me to forget the pain.
@travis Did you have an experience with a loved one passing away?
In my experience, everything was so normal. It was a completely normal day. We knew that my wife toward the end of October started feeling depressed, though she hid it so well.
Back in high school, she had been prescribed some medications for a psychological disorder that I won’t mention, though that has a very, very high risk of attempting. She really hated that diagnosis and after she got “better” stopped taking medication. Our whole time dating and even into marriage she didn’t take medication.
October of 2023, there were a lot of big events in our life that I feel like triggered everything to start again. The shock and surprise of losing her has really thrown my life into chaos, and true sadness.
I like what you said, I guess living in the present is all that we can really do right. One thing I have realized is that no one is coming to save you, you have to save yourself, though it is hard to save oneself when there are so many struggles!